Sunday 14th September 2008

Down again today. I'm alone here on a rainy Sunday in Ireland listening to Amy Winehouse. I'm feeling burnt out in so many ways. Burnt out with trying to be more than I am and pretending that everything is OK. Burnt out with fixing my life, with self development work and burnt out with being responsible. It would be so wonderful to confess to people that even though I can be hyper-responsible and take care of everything and everyone around me, I also feel lost and hopeless at times.

I've been reading "The Dance of the Dissident Daughter " by Sue Monk Kidd. I don't understand all the ways in which the "patriarchy' has dominated me but what I'm most taken by is the idea of still being a daughter in society.

Meaning - Looking to the outside word to tell me who I am, how to behave, and all of that. And this is all internalised inside me. And this is why I'm so done with self-development at the moment. I keep wondering who am I trying to please?

You know like I ask myself the question "what do I want in my life?" and I can answer with words that seem to come from my mind, but I feel nothing, no desire or any real feeling within me. I was always so good at getting the answer right at school. And so I wonder where I am, and if I really exist. That I've become such an automaton in being who other's have wanted me to be; filling my roles for them. And like today, when there is noone else around, nobody wants anything from me, I feel lost. Have I been disconnected from my true feelings for so long that I've vanished inside? Can I find myself again? And I feel despair that I've been aware of this for so long and not gotten anywhere.

As I look around at the things that have been bombarding me recently -
-feel into your feelings and go through them
-work your way up the feeling scale - Abraham
-think joyful empowering thoughts - Abraham
-imagine what you want to create - feel into it
- and so many more, there are so many people out there telling me how to live, giving me inspiration. I hope they are all coming from the right place. But I feel confused and overwhelmed, so many words coming towards me. I want to rest away from all these things - a self-improvement ban - find out what will arise within me without all this outside influence. And then what if there is nothing?

Sometimes, working on myself feels so empty and barren. I so just want normal. I love the work of Tracey Emin. I love her honesty about herself. I was reading an interview with her on her website - it's with a psychologist. I'm not sure what I felt about it - protective towards Tracey I think. I didn't like everything about her being analysed - pulled apart. It feels as if that self-analysis comes so much from the head, is uncompassionate. I don't like being analysed either. So many of my inner critic voices have come from inept therapists.

But back to juice feasting. I have discovered some interesting facts since last time I juice feasted. I struggled with the feasts previously. I would get headaches, depression, low energy, nausea and of course "the wisdom" says that this would indicate detox reaction. Actually they weren't. On Friday I went for allergy testing and guess what? I am allergic to the following:
- spirulina
- bee pollen
- stevia (This is OMG for me!)
- cacao
- carob
- lucuma
- mesquite
- legumes - pea sprouts
- wheatgrass
- sunflower seeds and pumpkin seeds
- tomatoes
- grains
- dairy

I'm still going Wow! although I did know about the last four. I went to Hippocrates earlier this year and as much as I loved it there, I struggled with low energy, gas, hives and an ear infection. Now I know it was all down to the pea sprouts! It's quite a relief to know and gives me some direction.

I also learnt that I have a load of infections in my body. Bacterial, viral and fungal in my digestive system which are giving me colitis and an active glandular fever. All summer my stomach has been saying "please no salads" as salads just felt so harsh in my system. It left me really confused about what to eat.

So, now, I think, is the time for another juice feast. It has no particular length, as my guru for the future needs to be me - it may even just be a day, I'm not planning this time. It's all so masculine and harsh to be forcing any kind of regime onto my body right now. But my digestive system does need a rest. As does my spirit too I suspect.

I'm going to try green juices (cucumber, celery, sunflower and buckwheat greens), coconut kefir and medi-aminos from Qnlabs which I find amazing. Qnlabs is a wonderful place to buy your supplements. I always find them great quality, great service and the medi-aminos I can feel working as soon as I put it into my mouth, in the same way as I can feel the energy from the sunflower sprouts. And then I'll see what happens and what I need. I'm also trying this new Sun Warrior protein powder by David Wolfe but even though it tested OK, something about it doesn't feel right somehow.

I'll be going back to see how I've done with the infections in a month, at which time I'll take all the things I didn't get tested the first time, like Vitamineral green and earth. But I'm going to avoid them now, just in case, even though the amassed wisdom out there tells me they're wonderful. That same wisdom also told me that my reactions were detox and that wheatgrass juice and pea sprouts were good for me as well as all those other superfoods that people rave about. Yet another lesson in trusting my own wisdom!

I would love to feel desire for a wonderful life. But I don't know what this means for me right now- meaningful, full of love, lots of play, a warm climate, animals, ways to express myself. As soon as I think this, I feel flat inside, there is no desire there. Maybe this idea of a wonderful life is just too big right now. What's the smallest step to wonderful I can take today? Wonderful - flowing, flowing with ease from inside myself to outside, being present to the colours of everything around me.